


Leon's Chapstick Heist

by BurningOfTheWitch (RarityIsMahFavorite)



Series: Leon's Heists (as narrated by Noko Sutori) [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Leon is armed with a loaded paintball gun, Leon is drunk, Lol kidnapping i guess, M/M, and high, for Mondo Oowada, he drives a ferrari, his liscence plate is 11037, normal tuesday night
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-08 17:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7766944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RarityIsMahFavorite/pseuds/BurningOfTheWitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lol Leon wants Maizono's chapsticks.</p><p>Lol hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lol Beginning

If there was any person who thought they knew Maizono better than Leon, they wouldn’t know the following things-

Maizono likes the color lavender, and not her ‘self proclaimed’ favorite color pink.

She likes knives.

She’s (secretly) a weeb, she’s getting better.

She’s given Leon a ‘sugoi booty call’ (of course the fucked Maizono. Who wouldn’t?)

She has been stabbed in the stomach (okay everyone knew that like when Oowada nearly crushed Chihiro and Ishimaru’s skull, but nobody outside of Hope’s Peak knew it was Leon)

She buys and uses a new chapstick/lipstick every day.

Hence why he’s mapped out a plan to perform a b ‘n’ e and steal those chapsticks. All he needs is the cliché movie thing. After school (and after getting ‘high as fuck’) he’d need the first two people on the list. First stop- Mondo’s place.

________________________________________________________________________

“Your hair is nice, Kyoudai.” Ahh, the daily hair petting. Mondo pets Ishimaru’s really soft hair and Ishimaru gets to brush Mondo’s pompadour. If this wasn’t bromance, then they are certainly gay for each other.

Peace and quiet remained, and the two were perfectly content. Ahh yes. They truely are ador-

“MONDO STOP BEING GAY AND OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!”

C’MON! GET YOUR TIMING- I mean, Leon banged on the door, interrupting the Bro Bonding Time. Ishimaru jumped, and Mondo’s face practically said ‘Goddamn it Kuwata, I was about to make this the smut everyone on my blog asks for! Noko Sutori will be popular! This SHSL Narrator will be popular! She will with the help of the SHSL Heartthrob Kowareta Hatsu! Yes! She will help me- professionalism, Sutori.

“What the hell Leon?!” Mondo barked. 

“I CHIME IN, HAVEN’T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF OPENING THE GODDAMN DOOR, LET ME IN, MONDO I HAVE NO BAD INTENTIONS I WANNA DATE YOU DAUGHTER! lol winky face ;)” Did I say get high as fuck? I meant drunk off of his ass… But Mondo shared a look with his bro, and ultimately decided to open the door.

The door wasn’t just opened, no, the second it was unlocked Leon kicked the door down, and pointed at the scared Ishimaru with a paintball gun.

“What the fuck Leon.” Mondo droned. It was just a normal Tuesday for him. Try to get Senpai (aka Kyoudai, aka Ishimaru even though Mondo was older by a few months and days) to notice him romantically, beat the urge to kiss Kyoudai back into the _Not Manly enough, I am Mando Browada!_ section of his mind, hang out with that gang, nearly get arrested (again) with the gang, hang with Ishimaru which he does practically 24/7, get house broken into by Leon under the influence of something, wash, rinse, repeat.

“GET IN THE CAR AND NOBODY GETS HURT! Grr angry face.” Ishimaru was on the verge of crying. Why? Why was Kuwata-kun holding a paintball gun? Why was Mondo to freaking out? Why was Leon-

“GET THE FUCK IN THE CAR ISHIMARU!" Ishimaru, really too scared to say no, was lead to a nice looking ferrari- Kuwata-kun drove that? Wow-and shoved into the back. Mondo was sitting in the front, mentally saying I’ll kill him later. and frowning. “Kyoudai, I’m scared.” Ishimaru whimpered. Mondo sighed as Leon got in the car. “It’ll be okay bro,” Mondo said. “It’ll be okay.”


	2. In which Asahina's house is smashed into, Makoto changes his catchphrase, and Komaru tries weed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy oooo. 
> 
> Warning for weed use.
> 
> And Komar- u ready for this Naegi.

So far, only 13 pedestrians had been hit.

“MOVE OUT THE WAY, ASSHOLE!”

Oh, no. Make that 18 pedestrians. Mondo had said nothing, just blinked as yet another lady (and her husband, mother in law, mother, and teenager) got hit.

“Is this safe, Kuwata-kun?” Of course it wasn’t. As soon as this nightmare was over, Ishimaru would take justice! Kuwata-kun would be arrested, his plate would probably be 11037, and Ishimaru and Mondo could do the hot sexi yoais- I mean and everyone would be happy.

“It would be safe if these ASSHATS weren’t on the sidewalk!” Leon swerved the car. “Maybe it’s the road we drive on?”

“Kyoudai, I’m still scared.” Ishimaru said as another woman got hit. Mondo nodded, and reached over to pat Ishimaru on the back.

“I’m scared too, Kyoudai.” 

The screams of a grandma somewhere filled the newfound silence.

_______________________________~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_________________________

“Aoi, we’re out of green-” 

“SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!” The ferrari Leon was driving smashed the front door down. Yuta Asahina stared at the mess that was called the Asahina home, and turned to the stairs.

“Aoi, your friends are here!” Leon poked his head out of the car. “She’s upstairs.”

Meanwhile, in Aoi’s room, she was reading a story, a fanfiction about Ishimaru and Oowada. Fujisaki was a asshole in this, and she was just introduced. And who the heck was this Kuzu-

“SAVE YOURSELF ASAHINA-KUN!”

“GO OUT THE WINDOW OR SOME SHIT!”

“Why do I need to-” Leon busted the door down, holding a paintball gun. Asahina screamed as Leon grabbed her by waist and held the paintball gun right next to her head.

“I need your help,” Leon stated. Asahina stopped screaming. Oh, it was Tuesday right? Leon was probably doing stupid things. “You need to help me steal Maizono’s-”

“Panties, right?” 

“No, Chapstick.” Leon walked down the stairs and pushed Asahina into the car. At some point, Mondo and Ishimaru went back to the car.

“Leon, what did you do to my house?” Yuta waved at the car parked right on the couch. 

“Relax, all we need is Na-egg-i and we will be okay!” Realization struck the SHSL Swimming Pro at that moment.

It wasn’t a regular Tuesday night.

“I’m scared,” Asahina whispered as the car backed up and hit the nice lady at 12-B. Mondo looked at her dead in the eyes, and said-

“Us too Hina. Us too.”

________________________________-----------------------------------------------------------------------______________________

“And this is why my catchphrase should be ‘lol hope’ and not ‘You’ve got that wrong’!” Naegi smiled wide, his audience made of Komaru, Kyouko, and this random child named Kotoko, just stared.

“I just wanted to ask if we could have some milk.” Kotoko said. Komaru nodded.

“Yes I see, but what about me?” Komaru asked.

“That has to be the most stupidest thing I ever heard.” Kyouko stated. Naegi shrugged.

“Whatever, Leon probably thinks it’s a good idea! Hey, we should talk to him!” As if Makoto spoke magic words, the ferrari smashed through the wall, an inch behind the egg. The window rolled down, and Mondo’s hair faced them. Then Leon went out the car and threw Komaru and Makoto in.

He went back to the car, but then threw Kotoko in for good measure. Leon backed up, and hit that bitch in a wheelchair named Monaca Towa.

As they sped off, Kyouko looked at her phone and dialled the police. “Hello, I would like to report something.”  
________________________________________________?????????¿?????????????????????????????_______

“Kuwata why?” Makoto asked. Kotoko looked like she was about to cry, and Komaru was smiling like an idiot. Asahina had long since gotten over being kidnapped, Mondo looked like he couldn’t care less (but was kinda salty because he was having a great time with Ishimaru), and Ishimaru was crying silent tears.

“Kuwata why not,” the drunk teenager replied. “It’s fucking Maizono.” 

“I JUST WANTED MILK!” Kotoko cried as another boy with a ahoge and a green tie and a boy with fluffy hair and a long green jacket were run over with the shout of “Goddamnit Komaeda.”

“Where are we going?” Komaru asked. “lol normal.” 

Asahina giggled. “lol donuts.” 

“lol motorcycles.” Mondo stifled a laugh. Why the fuck was he laughing at two words?

“lol rules.” 

“lol warrior of hope.”

“lol hope.” Makoto grinned. “Told you it would catch on.” 

“I feel high af,” Komaru said. “Does Kuwata have any weed?” 

Mondo opened the glove compartment. Inside was a weed stash bigger than if his pompadour and Hagakure’s hair had a baby, and a joint crack baby with Ishimaru’s eyebrows.

“A lot of weed,” Mondo replied. “Leon why do you have so much weed?”

“I’m on the fucking run,” Leon swerved the car, “I stole more than 300 grams of weed, and I am running away from the yakuza.”

“THE YAKUZA?!” Ishimaru yelled. “FIRST YOU STOLE DRUGS AND NOW YOU ARE BEING CHASED BY THE YAKUZA WHO’S SOON TO BE LEADER GOES TO OUR SCHOOL?!” 

“Oh yeah. That Kuzuryuu guy. Totally fucking that Peko-Peko chick.” Leon narrowly missed a old lady.

“I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I’M NOT EVEN IN HIGH SCHOOL!” Kotoko screamed. 

“Kuwata, did you smoke some weed?” Makoto asked. In response the blunt was passed to Komaru.

“Sweet,” Komaru smiled. “I always wanted to try weed.” 

“KOMARU IF YOU TRY THAT WEED I’LL TELL MOM!” Makoto yelled.

“NAEGI-KUN IS RIGHT, KOMARU-KUN! I WILL ALERT YOUR PARENTS AND THE AUTHORITIES!” Ishimaru tried his best to reach said Komaru-kun, but it was too late. Komaru had taken a hit.

“Woah.” Komaru breathed. “I feel like eating pizza.” The weed-air thingy was directed towards Mondo.

“Why the fuck are we getting high?” Mondo droned. “I’m on a ten months no jail streak, and I don’t wanna go back. There’s fuckin’ creeps everywhere.”

“Pass the blunt Komaru,” Kotoko said, extending a hand. “I just want to make being kidnapped enjoyable.” 

“Sure thing mah dude,” Komaru had to reach over Asahina who was just mentally saying ‘My mom will kill me, I’ll probably go to jail, my search history will be released, and NO DONUTS!’

“Thanks.” Kotoko took a hit, and breathed out. Was this what it felt like to be high? She’d need to be kidnapped by Leon more often.

“Pass it to me. I want to try.” The twelve year old passed the weed to Makoto, earning a distressed muffled scream made by Ishimaru.

This was going to be a loooooooong day for Kiyotaka Ishimaru.


	3. In which Leon has dolls, The ganga has pizza, and I, Noko Sutori enter the house

Soon, errbody in the car was high as a cloud, (including your SHSL Narrator here,) and nobody could complain.

“I want pickled ass feet,” Kotoko said. “With a side of Mondo.” 

“Fuck off,” Mondo said in reply.

“Where’s the nearest pizza place?” Komaru asked. 

“I WANT PEPPERONI, AND PINEAPPLES ON THE PIZZA!” Makoto shouted at the top of his lungs. 

“I want donuts,” Asahina added to the food talk. “Pass the blunt.” Ishimaru was the only (relatively) sane one. The car stopped, and Leon unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door to a nice looking house.

He was gone for a few minutes before coming back, driving around to the back of the house, and drove into the wall of the pretty house. When the ferrari hit the wall, the square big enough to hit it lifted, and parked right into the house.

“Oooh,” Kotoko marveled. “Magic.”

“Everyone out the car-” Nobody noticed the girl on a bike riding into the house, “I’ll order pizza, you guys stay the fuck quiet.” 

“Leon, is this your basement?” Kotoko asked. It had lavender and pink walls, soft, fluffy, and comfy furniture a similar color to Oowada’s eyes, a carpeted floor the color of Kotoko’s eyes, a TV, magazines, a small and cutesy kitchen, a table with ten (pastel pink) chairs, dollhouses, dolls that look like everybody that Leon ever knew (give the dude credit, Mondo’s pompadour was on point) with a half finished doll that looked like Kotoko, and overall very, very, girly.

“No, this is the basement’s basement. It’s secret.” Leon had a slight look of disgust with the question from the drama.

“Pfft. I expected more from you. Where the fuck did you get this shit?” Mondo barely concealed laughter as Leon started crawling over to the most normal thing in the room, a cherry red phone, seemingly vintage, and hisses “Shut the fuck up Oowada”. 

“This place is dope,” Komaru said. “Seriously fam. Where’s you get this stuff?”

“Shut the fuck up Komaru.”

“Jeeeeeez. Don’t be so salty.” The high af girl sat down on the couch. “This is soooooooft.”

_______________________________~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~________________

“Celeste killed Hifumi who killed Ishimaru!” Naegi moved the doll of himself, walking over to Celeste played by Komaru.

“SHUT UP YOU DIPSHIT!” Komaru yelled in ‘lol normal’ voice.

“Upupupupu…” Mondo, after being executed had taken over being Monokuma instead of Kotoko who was Junko/Murkuro. Ishimaru was playing Togami, and Komaru also played Touko. “Let’s give it eeeeeeeverything we’ve got! It’s punishment time!”

“Alright, Celeste died.” Naegi threw the gambler’s doll into the dollhouse, landing right between Mondo and Ishimaru dolls on the bed. “Chapter four! Asahina is the center of attention!” Said Asahina grabbed her doll and Sakura’s.

“Sakura-chan! I’m scared!” Doll Asahina threw up her arms. Sakura's doll nodded, and then was flung into the dollhouse, landing in the pool. “She died.” 

“Class trial time, bitch!” 

“Language, Mondo.”

“Shut up.”

“Sakura killed herself!” Naegi said. “Nobody dies!” Ishimaru reached over to grab another Fujisaki doll, and threw it into the dollhouse. It landed right on other Chihiro's body.

“Alter ego died.” Kotoko said. “Also, chapter five, Junko killed Murkuro, bye Naegi!” She threw the egg’s doll and retrieved it again, this time bringing another Junko doll with her.

“Tell them Naegi blah blah I’m better an you all. Lol I nearly made everyone die instead of Mondo bc I’m a SHSL Prick.” Togami’s doll began running around saying ‘lol money leave me alone Fukawa’

“Lol I am the mastermind I am despair lol.” Junko kicked Kyouko in the face. “Lol bye guys fuk you all I thought I would live so fuk you.”

“Execution time fuk you Naegi lol.” Small bear thing took Junko and threw it into the dollhouse.

“Lol Weedman u suck.” Naegi pranced over to Togami, “lol hope. Let’s make some Mondo’s mom fucking hope!”

Kotoko stole Togami from Ishimaru. “I’m Byakuya Togami screw that stupid bromance it’s obvious they did the thing in the sauna didn’t you hear the noises?” Komaru got IshiMondo from the dollhouse and handed them to the respective owners.

“Fuck you asshole.” Mondo-risen-from-the-dead said. Ishimaru’s doll just fell over intothe fetal position, saying “omg Kyoudai I died help me”.

“I think you’ve-” Komaru held a finger to the drama’s lips and sniffed the air.

“Leon has pizza.” She sniffed the air again, “With pineapples on the left side and pepperoni on the right with bacon with cheesy crust and breadsticks, five for each of us.” As if like the female Naegi spoke magic words like Makoto, Leon opened the door and set down three pizzas and breadsticks with marinara sauce.

“After this go the fuck to sleep.”


End file.
